My hair has grown quite long in the last couple of months. However, I’m a bit lazy so I figured I would just let it grow out. Besides, it’s been cold and my head needs to stay warm. I did decide that I would cut my hair when either of 3 things came up: 1. the weather got real hot, 2. I got a job interview, 3. for my friends wedding coming up.
Although the weather is nicer it is still cool enough to put off cutting my hair. But the time has come for my ridiculous hair to go. I got a job interview to go to. Since I let it grow to stupid proportions I figured I’d have fun hacking it all off.
I seem to be living a life of uncertainty. Unable to decide who I want to be or what I want to do. Sometimes I think I know but I end up proving myself wrong due to the obvious lack of action on my part.
And now, the same tune plays again as another friend passes before our connection could be bonded. Rather, rebonded in this case.
Life is a sphere with no real beginning or end. It is not, however, solid. Not quite hollow. Not quite full. We stand at the center desperately trying to fill up the space. Thus, the connections we make in life add life to our sphere, making it whole.
His will be the third life I will celebrate prematurely. His will be the third life I will celebrate at a distance where there should be none. His will also be the closest.
The void within my life’s sphere seems to be getting smaller. Unfortunately, it is not being filled by connections but rather grief.
Eric is the third person around my age who has gone before me. He is also the closest yet to where I stand in my life. I pray for his family and close friends for the grief I feel cannot be compared to theirs.
The void is not only within me as I have previously thought. The void is also around me. As I have been trying to fill the void within me I have neglected the void about me.
I swear it was just the other day I was giving Eric a ride home from school. Though, I can’t quite remember how or why I would be giving him a ride. Damn, didn’t even friend him on facebook and get a chance to say wussup and find out what he’s been up to.
That’s strike three. I’m out. Procrastination wins. I lose.
I’ve been trying to figure out how I can continue writing while I’m away from home for awhile now. Seems like every way that has been previously available to me just hasn’t worked out. I’ve tried using the post via email option with wordpress but emailing with gmail isn’t a straight forward option. I’ve written from my motorola Q but then I have to wait until I get home to post anything. It works to do it that way but I’ve written things that still haven’t been posted.
I have tried different applications an methods but writing a text file and copying later always seemed to work best.
However, I’m fortunate enough to try something that may prove to be the best option yet. I have recently aquired an iPhone and with it all the wonderful apps including the wordpress app. The first time I saw this at work was when my friend posted to his website (www.jonathanmonzon.com/blog) during a cross country roadtrip. I didn’t even think one could write that much on a mobile device even if it is the iPhone. Then I read Jon’s writing and I am a believer! Nah, I gotta test it out for myself first.
So far, not too shabby. We’ll see if I can continue to write more now that I can write nearly anywhere. Well, battery permitting that is.
There it is. My destination. Las Vegas from the small window of Southwest flight 3322.
It makes me want to cry and not in a good way. Ok, it doesn’t really make me want to cry but that is the easiest way to describe this sinking feeling in my chest and this slight pause in my breath. Even if I consider Las Vegas to be home it is not a happy return.
The last week has been a very gracious break from the stresses of life but it may have been a bit premature and undeserving. I enjoyed it and I am very happy I took the week to spend with friends in LA and Phoenix. However, it feels a bit more selfish than I think it should. It’s fine, I am completely willing to face the consequences of my indulgence.
I guess I’ll find out soon enough if there is anything left to salvage in Las Vegas and maybe the next time I’m looking at Vegas through an airplane window I’ll have a gushing rush of joyful emotions instead of a vacuuming pull of dread.
One second I’m home, the next second, there I am, helping my mentor teach the new class what I was taught not to long ago.
“Before you can figure out the answer, you must first know the question.”
This is not the first time I’ve dreamed about this question. However, the first time my mentor was teaching only me. Now, I’m helping him teach a new group of students. First, he had me read the question. It was so clear and poetic. Then he had me read the answer. It was also very clear and poetic, however, after reading it I realized it didn’t answer the question. I looked at the answer again but it had changed. Then I looked at the question and that had changed too. The next second it was all gone.
Couldn’t read the question. Couldn’t read the answer. And even though I opened my eyes I still couldn’t see anything beyond what I had already seen.
I’ve been struggling since I moved to Vegas trying to figure out what it is I have to do to make it all work. Every time I think I have found a solution I’m either incapable of following through or something else comes up that throws me completely off track. It’s quite maddening. It’s like my dream. Even after I’m told the answer, I realize that it doesn’t answer the question. Not only that but the question now is not what I thought it was. Maybe I never really knew what the real question was to being with. Maybe instead of trying to find the answer I should focus on exactly what it is I am trying to solve.
