Thoughts for Barter

27 I think it is.  Not too sure but I believe that is how old I am now.

Birthdays are a pretty big thing. For many, it’s a time of celebration, alcohol, and forgetting how old we are. For others, it’s a time for celebrating that we are still alive. For me, it’s a time to be thankful for everything and everyone in my life. And it is also a time to remember those who are no longer connected to me I am no longer able to directly connect with.

Only a couple of people even know this but I have been visiting cemeteries, 3 to be exact, annually for the last 3 or 4 years. Hm, actually I don’t even think the people who know I visit cemeteries even know how long I’ve been doing it. That in itself is not that strange. People visit cemeteries all the time. However, no one close to me has passed away. I go to the cemetery to visit people I hardly knew. I have met them, talked with them, and would even consider them friends if I was fortunate enough to spend more time with them. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to spend more time with them. Actually, I take that back. It was not that I did not have the opportunity but rather I did not take the opportunities I was given. I could make all the excuses I want but fact is fact. I simply did not make the most of my time.

That last statement seems a little strange in itself given the context. Most usually wonder if they made the most of their time near the end of their own lives. Though, I suppose with each passing of someone I am even faintly connected to I become unshakably aware of my life and my time.

Now it is probably good to state that I tend to think about death a lot. So don’t go thinking that I’m depressed or going through some sort of dramatic “oh my gaw I’m turning blah” age crisis. I stopped worrying about my exact age a while ago and only ever think about it when (1) someone asks or (2) I have to fill out paperwork requiring my age.

The only reason this comes up now is due to how I choose to celebrate my birthday or rather my life. Many people know I do not have gatherings for my birthday. I gather with family and friends for Thanksgiving which always doubles as a birthday gathering for me. The last time I had any sort of gathering for my birthday was when I turned 18. I have celebrated my birthday since but it is usually because of some other event (thanksgiving, bbqs, etc.), other birthdays (there are many in November), or some friends wanted to take me out to dinner (I rarely ever turn down a meal). For the most part I rather be alone on my birthday. I stay home, give thanks, and pay my respects to everyone who has shaped my life. The only time I have not done this since I turned 18 was on the rare occasion that my birthday is the exact day of Thanksgiving (4 times every 31 years; twice since turning 18).

I am never sad on my birthday. Though, I may seem melancholic. It is always a time of celebration. I just do a lot of thinking as I choose to celebrate my life by reflecting on it before moving forward into a new year.

It is a conscious effort I make to remember and cherish those who are connected to me no matter how small that connection is. One day that connection will simply be a memory. One day that memory will be of someone very close and dear to me (hopefully I don’t, as I fear I might, become completely undone). There is no escaping this. This is a fact of life. Cherish and appreciate every moment you have with your family and friends. Nothing lasts forever.